Is a phrase on a mug  that i’ve just bought from the website belonging to Thom Rutledge. He’s an expert in eating disorders…so i’m still stuck in this stupid illness.

I’ve not blogged for some time. This is mainly due to work and IT reasons. Work is great and i passed my probationary period without a problem Work is very manic though. Thursday i worked from 8.15 to 18.20 with less than an 30 minute break. I had 3 complicated cases and a child protection case amongst the many interviews. I also had to terminate an interview for the first time due to the person being intimidating and aggressive. I felt secure and well supported by the front line staff and security.

Health-wise things have been complicated. I went sleepwalking at mum in law’s house on Christmas Eve and destroyed her stainless steel kitchen bin – and my shoulder in the process. I found out on Tuesday that the hospital think my best chance of recovery is hydrotherapy – which would mean me in a swimming suit, in a shared pool (male and female). With the scrawny body that i have this fills me with humiliation and dread. I’m having problems with my red and my white blood cells and have been on antibiotics for about 5 months continuously for sinus and ear infections. Anorexia-wise things are tough. I’m losing again and struggling to keep to my meal plan. I don’t understand how i can hate my scrawny body so much yet be so terrified of weight-gain. I’m going to start seeing a new psychologist in the next few weeks at the ED unit. The psychiatrist is tinkering with my meds as my mood has been going South. Also on Tuesday i had a joint meeting with my team at the unit. They feel i have some unhelpful coping mechanisms alongside the anorexia including my Masters degree. I came away from the meeting feeling like my identity was being torn up in front of me.

I did really well with my MA and i want to finish it this year with my peers. I think mood-wise it would be dangerous not too. I’ve also invested so much time in research.

Ray and the Mafiosi are great. Those Mafia cats are still getting into all sorts of mischief but i love them so. They are so different to the 2 terrified felines i brought home.

Practice-wise things are also complicated due to the breaking up of the Amida Trust…so i’m taking stock and trying to work out where i want to go with my practice.

I’ve been in my new role for 6 weeks. It’s been an amazing 6 weeks. After spending the first three weeks shadowing a wonderful colleague i flew solo in my 4th week. The work is amazing and very varied. Anything from issuing a parking permit to “Gateway sign ups”. These are part of an EU scheme where our country has to take 750 refugees each year from refugee camps across the world (i’d hate to have to be the person making the decision as to who gets to go and who has to stay). The person i signed up to a council house tenancy had been in the country just 18 hours. They’d come from a camp in Kenya after fleeing Ethiopia. They were 18 years old and knew no one here in the UK. When they left Kenya it was 40 degrees C here in the UK it was 12. It was really humbling to meet them and be the person giving them keys to a new and safe home. I hope never to be in their shoes.
The team i work with are fantastic. The day i got stuck in the lift proved what a good bunch they are. I even had the entire security team anxiously waiting outside the lift doors. Well i passed my review with flying colours. A long list of positives from my boss and no negatives. It’s funny how people have the perception that my job is hellish (I’ve not met anyone yet who hasn’t passed a negative comment on it), yet i love it. I love the work, the customers and the team. It’s also wonderful to be permanent. Embarrassingly i’m up for an award at work for staff member of the year. I thought it was an error at first, but no apparently not. Out of 1,100 employees i am one of eight nominees. I have an award ceremony on the 8th December, where the winner will be announced. I hate being the focus of attention so this will be quite hard. There will also be food.
I’d naively thought that as soon as i got work sorted my eating would magically fall in to place. It hasn’t. I had a harsh reality check when my uniform arrived. I’d ordered size 8 (uk) and it fell off me. I’ve re-ordered the smallest size but i’m not hopeful that it will fit. The uniform reminded me of how much weight i need to gain to be a normal size. Ouch.

The weather was mostly amazing – not always hot – but warm, dry and sunny. Hurricane Katia was interesting. We walked along the beach from Bamburgh to Seahouses on the day that she really came through. Berwick had some minor damage – roof tiles mainly. The beach was a much safer bet. The gusting wind drove the waves backwards, the sand on the sand dunes upwards, and the top layer of the sand seemed to be constantly shifting. It made one of our favourite walks even more amazing.

We had our usual two days up in Edinburgh to see the art galleries…which were as great as ever. We also explored a couple of new places – Eyemouth and Wooler. On the walk in Wooler we saw a stoat – a first for both of us. I’d only seen weasels for the first time a few weeks ago, so this was rather cool. We also got to see the wonderful comedian Mark Steel. He was recording a radio show for BBC Radio 4. It was all i was hoping it might be and more. I can’t wait to hear the show on the radio when it’s broadcast later in the year. He was exceptionally sharp and funny. As we’ve been here a few times we slipped into holiday mode as soon as we left the train. It was a wonderful rest and i struggled on the last night to get my head around coming home. When we left Sheffield i left a few problems i didn’t want to go back to. Mainly the bizarre work situation i’ve been in. So the last Friday was quite a tearful one. Bella, Bodhi and the fish were really the only reason Ray didn’t have to drag me kicking and screaming on to the train.
On our first Monday back i had an emergency doctors appointment for a sceptic insect bite which has made using my right hand rather hard…the pain really has been nasty. This was followed by an emergency dental appointment. On the Tuesday i had a 7.30am ear, nose and throat consult for my constant sinusitis. Once i’ve finished the antibiotics for my hand i start a 3 month course for my sinuses. If this doesn’t work then we’re looking at surgery…having had one lot of sinus surgery when i was in my 20′s i’m keen not to repeat it, but not keen on 3 months of antibiotics…i then had a 9 am dietician appointment. Yes i had truly hit the ground running from a very relaxing holiday…and then the biggest stress of the week. Amongst the holiday post was an invitation to an interview for a re-deployment interview at work. The role – unlike the previous one they were trying to push me into fitted my person spec’ much better. A shorter, and easier commute. Office based, and working in customer services. The interview was Thursday. It ended at 3.30pm and i got a phone call at 4.05 pm to say i’d got the job. I’m thrilled. It’s a permanent position which is something i’ve been needing for quite some time. I will miss the wonderful guys i’m currently working with, but the role doesn’t exist. I got really good vibes about my new team. So i start a week on Tuesday. So i’ve been on a real roller coaster. I shall blog more on it later.

Meanwhile we have a journalist coming out to see us on Monday. She wants to do an article on Bodhi and Bella…

Please sign this e petition. Living in Sheffield and being a Liverpool FC supporter this resonates with me…and it’s important for the families of the 96 people who died that day and the hundreds of other people affected.

http://www.liverpoolfc.tv/history/hillsborough

Well the feeling that i was sinking got much worse this week, and i finally listened to my treatment team and took a sick certificate for two weeks. The anxiety was horrendous and i realised the hamster wheel of life was going to fast and i needed to step on to a calmer path. I feel a failure for having to give in to the low mood, the anxiety, and the eating disorder, but i have learnt from last year’s nightmare (i really don’t want to go back to where i was this time last year!).

I’m pottering and resting. Taking lessons from Bodhi and Bella (they were 1 years old yesterday) in the art of just doing good things. I’ve had time to do some crafts and i hope to finish a jumper in time for our holiday.

Thursday night i went to the Self-esteem/self-confidence class at SYEDA (South Yorkshire Eating Disorder Association).

The evening was really good. We learnt Emotional Freedom Technique (it’s amazing!) and positive affirmations (my psychologist will be pleased to hear about this), and we were given a small pack of positive affirmation cards to take away. It was hard getting the class, but i had a nice stop at the art gallery on the way and took in the excellent John Martin exhibition. http://www.museums-sheffield.org.uk/museums/millennium-gallery/exhibitions/current/john-martin-painting-the-apocalypse

I always find a certain peace in art galleries, and this was true of Thursday. Although i was rather bad and bought two books – well it supports my beloved Museum Sheffield (who have had their funding slashed).

Well i had my Managing Performance and Attendance at Work (MAPAW) meeting yesterday with HR. I’ve been back at work since the end of January and not had any time off sick. Before starting back i’d been off sick with anorexia and depression (melancholy is what i think it was). So i was in stage 2 of 4 of MAPAW. At stage 4 you get fired.
On the good side at the meeting i was moved from stage 2 back to stage 1, and if i can not be off sick until the end of July I’ll come out of procedure completely…
and th bad news. I have to finish in my lovely post on the 30th June. I’m devastated. They’ve found me another temporary post to go to – on the other side of the city and back in statistics. I’m on the re-deployment register and have to apply for jobs. I’ve spent the afternoon in floods of tears. Not helped by my new team also being devastated to lose me. They all kept saying lovely things about me which just made me cry more. My new managers also didn’t know anything about this change they are also very angry. They will try and get me to stay with them until i find a job through re-deployment. My tenants are really upset too, bless them they had even written to the Chief Executive to campaign to keep me in my current role. I’ve made many friends in the few months i’ve been in this unit and i feel so flat to think i won’t be seeing them every day.
I’m sat here trying to come up with a research proposal for next weekends tutorial but my mind is elsewhere. For the last 2 years my work situation has been pants and moving to this unit had turned that around. I’m back at square one and full of grief for a job i loved, and for people i loved.

Bodhi being vain.

meanwhile Bella plays with her boa.

The kittens are making huge progress. It’s been 4 weeks since we adopted them and they have come on in leaps and bounds – quite literally at times too

Bella know loves being stroked. The breakthrough came on Tuesday night. We’d been playing and she flomped down to rest before the next session of play. I let her sniff my fingers and “kiss” my hand. I thought i’d see if she would let me touch her head very lightly…and she did…and she purred and purred…and my heart was fit to burst with joy. Slowly as the week has gone on she has become braver and is now seeking cuddles out. I can’t believe it’s only taken a month. Bodhi has taken to playing in the bath – and taking toys into the bath to play with. He goes for his operation next Friday – i’m not looking forward to that day! They both bring such joy and hope to me and i am blessed to have them in my life. Each step of progress is a beautiful moment.

I met up with my assistant manager on Tuesday to discuss my request to move units so that i can get back to work. I was really happy to find out that HR fully support my request. Even better my assistant manager had found a position that is a wonderful opportunity. He asked if i wanted to mull the offer over, but it was so good i agreed straight away. Today i met my new managers and team. I’m going to be working on a project to get the 32 playgrounds managed by the social housing company i work for up to a high standard. It will involve  lots of community engagement, lots of funding applications, and testing of play equipment . Some of the work will involve working with the Wildlife Trust and creating environments for communities and wildlife to enjoy. I start on a phased return this Wednesday. The new team all seem really friendly and really laid back. The person i will  be working with has been carrying the project all by herself for 3 years and is snowed under with the amount of work the project has generated, so she’s really keen to have me work with her and take up some of the workload. We also seem to be quite similar in personality and ethics…something very important for me. After almost 8 months off sick I’m equally excited and terrified by the new start…