Limbo
I’m still in limbo. I’m having to re-interview for the job i didn’t want (and didn’t get) over at LPU. The interview is on Wednesday afternoon. Vacants performance team are moving up to the site i’ve been working on since the end of January on the 2nd September,bugger. This was the team that helped get me into this mess. Overall the work situation isn’t doing me any good. I’m struggling to leave the house and when i’m out of the house i have an overwhelming need to be back home. It’s been so bad that my GP has put me on valium for work days. She’s also referred me to Sheffield Occupational Health and Advisory Service as they’re there for the employee not the employer. I see them on Wednesday morning (before said terrible interview).
Fortunately Uni is going well and my tutor is trying to talk me into doing a PhD after i’ve finished my MA. I’m currently working on my mini dissertation, the last piece of research this year.
Ray and the kittens (well Bodhi and Bella are a year old next week, so not really kittens) are the source of much love and i’d be so lost without the three of them. I finish working with the psychologist at the ED unit on the 5th September. I’m frustrated that i’m not much bigger than i was this time last year. I feel i’ve had this one shot at recovery and failed, and i’ve let my friends down. I can continue seeing the lovely dietician for 6 more months and see a specialist nurse. I’m also on the service user group there. This is to help the service set up a day hospital as alternative to inpatient admission. I find the sessions a little out of my comfort zone, but i feel so grateful for the help i’ve had from the unit that i want to give something back.
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Wild Geese – Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
-
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I was awake around 8 am your time and holding you and your day in the Light. My hope is that the interview was better than you anticipated and that you have some peace now that this step is behind you. For the steps ahead that you’ve yet to walk I send you the advice of Mary Oliver – right here from your blog – you do not have to walk these next steps on your knees through the desert, repenting. You can walk with intention and pause after each foot is planted. You can take baby steps. You can skip and twirl. You can slowly ease into a running stride. You do not have to be good. It is after all your walk. Your one. true. walk.
Blessings, cindy
Morning Cindy.
Many thanks for your beautiful words and kindness. Coincidence is a funny thing. I’d just been printing out the poem to take to the second session self-esteem/self-confidence group tonight when i read your comment. Our homework from the first session was to bring in something that inspires and helps you. This poem lives above my desk in my office, and i have one in my bag. I just don’t always listen to the poem properly.
The interview was hard. 5 other people have gone for it, so hopefully i won’t have got it…although that does leave me in limbo still. I saw my GP again last night and have decided to take the sick certificate. I promised friends and family last year that if i spiralled down again i wouldn’t keep pushing myself…and several friends have reminded me of this this week. Plus having to take valium to get out the house is not a good sign. i feel a failure for not being able to cope, i feel i’m letting work down, but i also feel relief to step off the hamster wheel of life for 2 weeks and take time to breathe.
best wishes
Sue