The power of words

I’ve been a bit quiet. Partly due to having sinus surgery last month and partly due to low mood. Work has improved a bit after a worsening. Last week i received an appointment for a psycho-sexual clinic assessment. I was referred two years ago and had forgotten about the referral. I talked about the referral with Dr Freud Dude yesterday. It meant i had to finally face things head on and stop avoiding a huge issue for me. I knew that once the words left me they could not be unsaid. The words would be forever there. I knew i couldn’t hide them anymore. This means facing them and the emotions attached. Suddenly i was very overwhelmed. I was in floods of tears and utterly lost. I was sat in my work uniform and realised that for once i couldn’t use it to lay my mess to one-side and do my job. Normally my uniform helps me take on the personae of someone together, with a normal past, no baggage. Yesterday was so overwhelming that my uniform’s power was gone.
In some ways it was good that i finally got these words out there. Dr F suggests the session is a pivotal one, even if it is the hardest so far.
I walked out of the unit and stood at the bus stop, in tears. I took the decision to phone work and ask for emergency annual leave. Thankfully my manager agreed. I took the bus bake to the city centre and decided to take the first bus to anywhere beautiful. At the stop along from the one i alighted from were a queue of walkers. I joined them and ended up in the Peak National Park. It was a much needed dose of nature; the hills covered in purple heather. If i’d spent the day at home i’d have probably self harmed which would have only made me feel worse.
Today i headed off to the assessment. Not knowing what to think, what to expect. Fearful. Would there be an examination? Would i click with the medic? Will i be able to do the work alongside Dr F? Will i get to where i want to get?
I got there early (as ever) and had a really upset stomach. Finally the hands of the clock reached 9am. The Dr arrived. I knew the medic was a bloke and i’d worried how this would be. However, it was fine. I shall call him Future. He is my ticket to a better future. So today was the first part of the assessment and it might be that we can’t do any work until I’ve finished work with Dr F. On one level this is frustrating, but on another, emotionally it might be a blessing. One of the hardest thing about my past is hearing the words and how they might sound to another’s ears. And the magnitude.
There was also something empowering about today. Taking back my body,

I’m worthless

The moment someone tells you that you’re not good enough, is the moment you know you’re better off than they are, and better off without them. Anon.

Urgh. Rubbish week. Yesterday i’d tried to talk to my boss about a colleague who is set to undermine my work. Being brave enough to even raise the issue is hard enough. Then, when i’m told it’s my word against hers i realise nothing will change. I am powerless. No one cares for me in our team. I am worthless. I ended up self harming again. I feel really rubbish about myself. I am worthless. I it wasn’t for Ray and the cats i don’t know where i’d be right now.

Anchorage

Argh, feeling dreadfully blue. Heavy, but helpful session with Dr Freud Dude. We looked at early relationships, object permanence and current relationships. I explained the pain and loss i feel when i leave Ray’s mum. It’s as if what we will never have that again. I told Nathan about there being so few photos of me as a child in comparison to my siblings and how hard that it is, and how awful it is to know you’re not wanted. I’ve realised during the day that i lack “anchorage”. Nana was my link to my family and it’s past history. I’ve lost all of that. I’m adrift.

Headache

headacheSince the virus last week i’ve had an annoying headache that nothing will shift. Saturday I woke without it, but it popped up later in the day and hung around. Yesterday I woke with it, and didn’t get it to shift. Today I woke up headache free – until i got to work. Just my second day back and the tension in the office left me head-achy and drained.  My return to work interview was more or less how i knew it would be. Plus if i have time off for my sinus operation i will be put in disciplinary, so i’m now going to take it as annual leave. Not ideal, but less stressful.

It was a difficult day in the drop in, not helped by no IT systems operating. In some ways it’s good to be back at work and normality. I can distract myself from how i’m feeling. However, i also feel physically and emotionally exhausted, and just want to be at home, hidden away.

That nagging voice

meet ed

I’ve struggled since Friday night with vomiting and diarrhea due to my anxiety about going back to work. I often have no idea i’m anxious until i get such symptoms. I’m struggling to cope with the idea of leaving our home for so many long hours a day. Leaving the cats to their play without me. Leaving the safety of the four walls and our beautiful garden. Time is suspended here. Sunday i had a reprieve of the vomiting and managed to get out to Le Tour de France. I was exhilarated and exhausted on my return. Just before the alarm went on Monday morning i dreamed that the managers at work had decided to do a home visit on me. The panic of our little haven being invaded was awful, and i woke up having to dash to the bathroom to vomit.

ED head is having a field day. I know that i have many friends at work, but ED head is loud and clear that they would all hate me if they really knew me. It’s lonely.

I’ve been doing some mulling over of things since my last session with Dr Freud Dude. I’ve suddenly realised why i feel like a schoolgirl summoned to the headmaster’s study when our lovely landlord calls ’round…inside i fear i’m going to be homeless again.