Ray has just ordered me Ernst…he’s skinny – but with all my worries he’ll be obese in no time…
Urgh. Rubbish week. Yesterday i’d tried to talk to my boss about a colleague who is set to undermine my work. Being brave enough to even raise the issue is hard enough. Then, when i’m told it’s my word against hers i realise nothing will change. I am powerless. No one cares for me in our team. I am worthless. I ended up self harming again. I feel really rubbish about myself. I am worthless. I it wasn’t for Ray and the cats i don’t know where i’d be right now.
Argh, feeling dreadfully blue. Heavy, but helpful session with Dr Freud Dude. We looked at early relationships, object permanence and current relationships. I explained the pain and loss i feel when i leave Ray’s mum. It’s as if what we will never have that again. I told Nathan about there being so few photos of me as a child in comparison to my siblings and how hard that it is, and how awful it is to know you’re not wanted. I’ve realised during the day that i lack “anchorage”. Nana was my link to my family and it’s past history. I’ve lost all of that. I’m adrift.
Since the virus last week i’ve had an annoying headache that nothing will shift. Saturday I woke without it, but it popped up later in the day and hung around. Yesterday I woke with it, and didn’t get it to shift. Today I woke up headache free – until i got to work. Just my second day back and the tension in the office left me head-achy and drained. My return to work interview was more or less how i knew it would be. Plus if i have time off for my sinus operation i will be put in disciplinary, so i’m now going to take it as annual leave. Not ideal, but less stressful.
It was a difficult day in the drop in, not helped by no IT systems operating. In some ways it’s good to be back at work and normality. I can distract myself from how i’m feeling. However, i also feel physically and emotionally exhausted, and just want to be at home, hidden away.
I’ve struggled since Friday night with vomiting and diarrhea due to my anxiety about going back to work. I often have no idea i’m anxious until i get such symptoms. I’m struggling to cope with the idea of leaving our home for so many long hours a day. Leaving the cats to their play without me. Leaving the safety of the four walls and our beautiful garden. Time is suspended here. Sunday i had a reprieve of the vomiting and managed to get out to Le Tour de France. I was exhilarated and exhausted on my return. Just before the alarm went on Monday morning i dreamed that the managers at work had decided to do a home visit on me. The panic of our little haven being invaded was awful, and i woke up having to dash to the bathroom to vomit.
ED head is having a field day. I know that i have many friends at work, but ED head is loud and clear that they would all hate me if they really knew me. It’s lonely.
I’ve been doing some mulling over of things since my last session with Dr Freud Dude. I’ve suddenly realised why i feel like a schoolgirl summoned to the headmaster’s study when our lovely landlord calls ’round…inside i fear i’m going to be homeless again.