Surfacing

sunset

I’m finally surfacing after a tough first week back at work from our holiday. We’ve been away to the stunning Northumberland coast. We had a wonderful time – the weather was amazing. The first 8 days were wall to wall sunshine. I became one big freckle!
It was interesting being up there during the build-up and for the referendum. Although, we hadn’t thought about all of the journalists…weird to see foreign news crews on the streets. I kept getting mistaken for a Scottish National when we went to Edinburgh. Darn that Celtic look.
The last few days were cloudy, but still very hot. My B12 injection was due whilst i was away which meant i struggled a bit – and i didn’t get the shot until Friday of this week. This week has been hell due to it. However, it’s starting to kick in and i’m able to do things once more.
The cats were very pleased to see us home…but Des had done a fab job of looking after them, as usual.
My anxiety has been very bad, sadly. My worry eater doll is on overtime, lol.
I’ve just been out in the garden with the moggies and realised how hot it is, so i’m now searching the house for things to wash. Ray’s off out for a run. He’s training for the Percy Pud 10K in December.
Our bus stop syndicate has now won £50 on the national lottery. We were very nearly on National radio whilst i was away. BBC radio 5 live asked listeners to text in about their commutes. So i text in abut our bus stop – 7 of us who get the same bus every morning. We meet for drinks and pop over and see each other if we’re having a rough day. So i sent the text and 10 minutes later i had a journalist on the phone who wanted to come and interview us!
Work this week was very challenging – added to the nightmare was my overdue B12 injection. By Wednesday I’d also seen the lovely Dr Shaggy (and avoided being weighed for a second time as my anxiety was so high), and Dr Freud Dude…these appointments are useful, but hard. When i got to work on Wednesday i was in tears with exhaustion. Today the B12 injection is kicking in and i’m starting to feel human again. Pernicious anemia is really no fun. So i’m finally wanting to be out of bed and up and about – and now seeing all the chores that i need to get done.

My thought for the week:

crazy is showing

Butterscotch chocolate chip blondies

Butterscotch chocolate chip blondies

blondie cropped

I woke at 7am and realised I wasn’t going to be going back to sleep, so I got up and made cheesy chilli scones for breakfast. Ray woke to the aroma of them cooking.
I’d already planned to make the blondies and decided I’d still bake them. Ray went off to the shops, came home, and went out for a run. He came home to blondies cooling on a rack. I’d bought Ray a yoghurt maker last week and I’ve used his homemade yoghurt in this. It can also be made vegan by using coconut oil instead of butter, and using agave syrup instead of homey.

Makes 12
100g butter/coconut oil
100g light brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
100g yoghurt/soya yoghurt
2 tbsp honey/agave syrup
250g plain flour, sifted
2 tsp baking powder
Large pinch of salt
90ml soya milk
150g dark chocolate or butterscotch chocolate, roughly chopped

Preheat oven to 190 C

Grease and line a brownie tin.
Put the butter/coconut oil and sugar into a large bowl and mix well.
Add the vanilla and yoghurt, and beat well until everything is combined.
Add the honey/agave syrup and beat this in.
Add the sifted flour, salt, and baking powder to the wet ingredients and mix thoroughly until well combined.
Add the soya milk bit by bit.
Fold in the chocolate bits.
Pour batter into tin and bake for 25 – 35 minutes – I forgot to put the timer on and had to guess the timings, oops.
The top should be golden.
Allow to cool completely before cutting into little squares.

Blowing in the wind.

My weekly Wednesday appointment with Dr Freud Dude explored some of my anxieties and also my feeling of being rootless. Both really hard issues for me. I’m so afraid of losing the little family i have in Ray and his family, that I suffer a loss each time i’m away from them. That these lovely people and the relationship i have are so precious, that they’re almost untrue. Plus i don’t deserve them. Or at least to my ED head i don’t.
As i type the radio is on and the subject is the one about the social services and police in Rotherham, and their lack of child safety. 1,400 children ignored and abused. It’s hard to hear, to think of their pain. I wish they’d been heard. Taken to safety. Sometimes with Dr Freud Dude i see my life through his eyes and actually think it’s amazing i’m not even more ill than i am. That’s a testament to my Nan.
As mum was ill in my first few years and in hospital a lot Nathan suggested i never made a firm attachment, but instead had to make attachments quickly to get my needs met. Which was a pattern i carried on in life. I’m starting to see how much home life, a roof over my head, and getting my needs met (Maslow’s work on hierarchy of needs from my psychology degree made real) in really difficult circumstances are all entwined. The work with Dr Freud Dude is hard, but he’s really helping me make sense. I do sometimes feel like a dandelion seed blowing in the wind.

The power of words

I’ve been a bit quiet. Partly due to having sinus surgery last month and partly due to low mood. Work has improved a bit after a worsening. Last week i received an appointment for a psycho-sexual clinic assessment. I was referred two years ago and had forgotten about the referral. I talked about the referral with Dr Freud Dude yesterday. It meant i had to finally face things head on and stop avoiding a huge issue for me. I knew that once the words left me they could not be unsaid. The words would be forever there. I knew i couldn’t hide them anymore. This means facing them and the emotions attached. Suddenly i was very overwhelmed. I was in floods of tears and utterly lost. I was sat in my work uniform and realised that for once i couldn’t use it to lay my mess to one-side and do my job. Normally my uniform helps me take on the personae of someone together, with a normal past, no baggage. Yesterday was so overwhelming that my uniform’s power was gone.
In some ways it was good that i finally got these words out there. Dr F suggests the session is a pivotal one, even if it is the hardest so far.
I walked out of the unit and stood at the bus stop, in tears. I took the decision to phone work and ask for emergency annual leave. Thankfully my manager agreed. I took the bus bake to the city centre and decided to take the first bus to anywhere beautiful. At the stop along from the one i alighted from were a queue of walkers. I joined them and ended up in the Peak National Park. It was a much needed dose of nature; the hills covered in purple heather. If i’d spent the day at home i’d have probably self harmed which would have only made me feel worse.
Today i headed off to the assessment. Not knowing what to think, what to expect. Fearful. Would there be an examination? Would i click with the medic? Will i be able to do the work alongside Dr F? Will i get to where i want to get?
I got there early (as ever) and had a really upset stomach. Finally the hands of the clock reached 9am. The Dr arrived. I knew the medic was a bloke and i’d worried how this would be. However, it was fine. I shall call him Future. He is my ticket to a better future. So today was the first part of the assessment and it might be that we can’t do any work until I’ve finished work with Dr F. On one level this is frustrating, but on another, emotionally it might be a blessing. One of the hardest thing about my past is hearing the words and how they might sound to another’s ears. And the magnitude.
There was also something empowering about today. Taking back my body,

I’m worthless

The moment someone tells you that you’re not good enough, is the moment you know you’re better off than they are, and better off without them. Anon.

Urgh. Rubbish week. Yesterday i’d tried to talk to my boss about a colleague who is set to undermine my work. Being brave enough to even raise the issue is hard enough. Then, when i’m told it’s my word against hers i realise nothing will change. I am powerless. No one cares for me in our team. I am worthless. I ended up self harming again. I feel really rubbish about myself. I am worthless. I it wasn’t for Ray and the cats i don’t know where i’d be right now.

Anchorage

Argh, feeling dreadfully blue. Heavy, but helpful session with Dr Freud Dude. We looked at early relationships, object permanence and current relationships. I explained the pain and loss i feel when i leave Ray’s mum. It’s as if what we will never have that again. I told Nathan about there being so few photos of me as a child in comparison to my siblings and how hard that it is, and how awful it is to know you’re not wanted. I’ve realised during the day that i lack “anchorage”. Nana was my link to my family and it’s past history. I’ve lost all of that. I’m adrift.