I guess this is what me and Dr Freud Dude are doing. It’s painful. My sleep is utterly wrecked. All week i live for a lie in on Saturday and Sunday (during the week i’m up at 5.50am). Last night i had my usual waking up in the early hours really hot, i throw some layers off and i return to cool and get back to sleep, with a little tossing and turning. Sleep is full of weird dreams – particularly the black bin floating past our house with snow falling into it. I then wake up cold, put a layer back on, toss turn and repeat. By 7.10 am i was so wide awake that i decided to give up on mythical sleep and lie in and make coffee. The cats were pleased to have me up and about, and they had their hurtle-skirtles around the house.
On the plus side of not sleeping i did get two loads of washing done and on the line by 9am – the first washing on the line fo 2014 as we have a north facing back garden. Not having up in the house is always a bonus and they smell so fresh. Ray went out for a long run and i pootled. When he returned i decided to head to the grocery store and buy some soil. Wow, was it ever hot and sunny! When i returned Ray was laughing about the cats. Indoors, as soon as the taxi arrived outside Bodhi cat knew it was me. Likewise, Bella who had been playing in her beloved bushes came dashing in. Sweethearts. Bodhi, Bella and i sowed the tomato and radish seeds in the back garden before bringing the propagator into the kitchen. I had a little tidy of the garden and it felt so good to feel sun on my skin warm sun. The cats love having their beloved cat mama outside with them. Attachment theory seems to hold up in light of our relationship.
I’ve been reading “Apple Tree Yard” by Louise Doughty. It’s some what disturbing, but fascinating. One of the characters describes what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship:
We are taught we can redeem them. We can turn the beast into a prince, if only we love him enough. And, you know how instinctively how bad it’s going to get when you leave, so you keep putting it off. You think that while you are with them you might be able to control it a bit, but you know once you leave, you will be in real danger.
This resonated with me on a number of levels. Firstly Martin the awful, secondly my ED, and finally my work colleague. In all 3 relationships i was never in control, and i knew the danger i’d be if i left any of them. But i found the strength to do so.
Yesterday i read this piece of graffiti on a toilet door:
If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get, what you’ve got.
I had my usual girlie giggly journey to work, except I was heading off to see Dr Freud Dude not work. It was my first proper session and very different to a psychology or psychiatrist session. He greeted me and I him and then silence. I’m used to a hello and a question about how I’m doing, but there was nothing. I had to be brave and say I love silence when I’m alone but between me and someone else it was hard. It links back to my mother. We talked about my dreams – particularly my anxiety dreams. He has after less than2 hours with me picked up that I’m dismissive of my needs.
Work was hard for usual reasons upstairs. Added to it was a buffet for a retiring colleague. I’m ashamed to say i didn’t eat. I’d had a run in with my once upon a time friend in a car being driven by another manager on the way there and felt crap. I’ve since spoken to my own manager and they will no address this person’s behaviour. It’s been a tough day.
I’ve had a chilled day off work – annual leave not sick. My first on line delivery from local supermarket was successful and stress free…and meant I could have a day to myself.
I’d had another night of broken sleep. Same old weird dreams, and the being either hot or cold. In the early hours Ray sprayed my pillow with lavender. It worked and I got through to 7.30 am. I remembered the phone call from the consultant and the grocery delivery and my anxiety decided I/we were wide awake. I had a vat of vegetable chilli on the go by 8am. The groceries arrived. Then the phone call. My white cells are slightly better, as is my liver function…but still bad enough to require a liver scan. I’m utterly drained right now. My head has no time to process one medical nightmare after another.
Since my recent breast clinic news i’ve been really touched by little gestures which mean a lot. A friend at work made me a goodie bag with wine, chocolates, bubbles and a scented candle. Bliss. Friday i headed off to the rheumatologist. My bloods are back and my white cells are low, and my liver function test is not right. He was a lovely doctor, and very thorough. The results could be a false reading or a sign of something else. I’m praying i don’t get called in to hospital tomorrow. I’ve booked a days annual leave to try and cheer myself up a bit. The rheumatologist also took bloods for various other things, and i await an ultrasound of my feet.
I headed into the city before Ray yesterday. I had errands to run, and he was busy running in a Park Run. I failed to get my hair cut, again. I did stock up on Lush stuff. I’d walked past a busker playing a sad tune as i approached the shop doorway. Urgh, more tearful eyes. I must have looked a bit black and blue in spirit as the lovely girl in the shop gave me some free carrot soap. Just a little thing can bring me back home from all my woes. I stand away from the edge of this volcano of fear for awhile, until the fear of all the things i have going on for me grabs hold once again, and i stare back, not knowing.
Monday a friend at work gave me a little gift bag with wine, scented candle, bubble bath and chocolate. I was very surprised and touched.
Yesterday I met up with a friend for 2 pints at the pub and such a laugh; Ray says she’s an honorary member of the bus stop coven. I’d hoped letting my hair down I would sleep better, sadly not.
Today I travelled into work with my bus stop coven; they always make laugh. Rather than getting off at my usual stop I headed into the bus station to change to bus to take to the community mental health unit for my first psychotherapy appointment. It was hard to walk through the door. It is just over a year since I was discharged from the ED unit. It was good seeing staff, but painful too. It was a day service day and I saw current patients.
I’m seeing a lovely person. He came into reception 20 mins before the appointment and looked at the signing in book & I just knew it was him. I’ve had a different name for my treatment team members than their real names, and I’m not sure what to call him. However I think Freud Dude will work.
We went through the contract together, agreed it and had a short session. It was like being hit by a bulldozer in terms of exhaustion. But we made some headway. I think we’ll do good work. So, every Wednesday at 9am I’ll being seeing my dude for next 18 months, to 2 years. I’m scared but hopeful. This service takes very few referrals for a large city & I’m grateful for this treatment.
This week brought news of my psychotherapy 2 year course starting on Wednesday of this week. I’d thought i’d have a bit more warning, but there you go. I also thought it wouldn’t start until May/June time…but with Thursday’s news maybe the planets have aligned. I’ve had issues with my breasts since school. I was the first person to need a bra, etc. Factor in the abuse, and then my abusive partner. I had issues with benign breast lumps when i was with him and the hormone medication i was put on (which we now know was a very bad idea) made my size go from an 8 to a 14. My abusive partner who controlled everything i ate to keep me skinny, detested my size. I wasn’t even able to get dressed/undressed with the light on.
I fortunately got myself out of that relationship and I’m now happily married to my amazing husband (we’ll have have been together 15 years this September, and married 13). However, my hang ups remained and it wasn’t until i did the day hospital program for anorexia that i realised one of the things blocking recovery was my feelings about my breasts.
I’m still feeling very overwhelmed by the week gone, and i hope the week ahead is kinder.
Well, there is no plan B as to my breast lumps. I’m consented for surgery. Should I get any more I’ll have to my ovaries removed.Feeling very overwhelmed and very scared. Tons of questions today that I didn’t think of yesterday.